I put a lot of pressure on myself
I literally had a plan for every stage of my life by the time I was 12.
I was meant to finish high school by 17, graduate by 21, and make my first million before 25. It was a full proof plan. I wanted to be engaged by 24, which meant that I'd have to have met my life partner by the time I turned 19. I read this now and I think it's funny, but these were serious dreams. This was meant to be the full proof life plan that would allow me to be wealthy enough to retire when I turned 40.
Don't get me wrong, dreams are necessary, and a life plan is essential. When I set this plan out, I considered my potential. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to, so it's not impossible yet. Well, I'll just have to adjust the graduation part... and the life partner part. Actually, I might have to remove marriage from the whole plan.
I think society has placed too little pressure on us to reach our full potential, and too much pressure on us to follow a specific timeline. People plan out your life for you, and compare your progress to other people's, forgetting that everyone's life is meant to be different.
This isn't a post about society though. It's a post about me, and the one thing I didn't consider when I made my life plan 9 years ago. Mental health, or the lack thereof.
You see, back then, I planned as an escape from reality. I focused on the future so I wouldn't have to think about how unhappy I was in the present. So planning was an outlet. The future looked so bright, and limitless. I could do anything I put my mind to.
That hasn't changed. I can still do anything I put my mind to. The only difference is that sometimes my mind seems to have a mind of it's own. One that I can't control. I didn't factor in depression in my plan because I didn't know I'd have it. I didn't include anxiety because I thought I would get better over time. I thought it was one of those things I'd grow out of. You know, how the shy kid turns into a confident superstar in the movies.
If you know me well enough, you'll know that I don't really like planning, or setting goals. I try to avoid telling people that the reason I don't is because anxiety and depression took that away from me. The ability to focus, and the motivation to continue. I had to reschedule my deadlines, until setting them felt pointless. Dreams felt pointless.
So, with life's many curveballs, I'm still somewhat on the right track. I may not be sticking to the original plan, but I'm going where life takes me, and that's so much better. I've allowed myself to experience things I couldn't have imagined, and have grown from being a little girl who plans to a me who's not afraid of change.
Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to write your own story.
Happy living, adventurous living!
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