I saw a comment on someone's picture that said: "Hey girl! Keep documenting your journey" It made me ask myself why I'm not so comfortable sharing mine.
Those who know me, know me to be a very quiet person. Those you know me a little more say I'm a deep thinker. Those who know me best, say that I cannot shut up! I'm always talking about something; sharing stories, past experiences and things I've observed.
It's quite easy for me to talk about things that aren't so close to my heart, because I have no personal attachment to them. I always wonder why my personal story isn't so easy to share.
For the longest time, I thought I had no story to share. I thought everyone saw the world the way I did, and had different experiences that taught them the same lessons I had learnt. I thought that everyone was on the same level as me, and that all the feelings I felt were normal.
This started to change when I got to grade 9. I remember learning about depression, and going through a checklist of symptoms in class. I went home with my book, and asked myself why I had the 9 out of 10 symptoms that were discussed. I had just learned about depression, and it scared me to think that I might have it.
I think what still haunts me is the fact that I would have never known about it, had I not learnt about it in class that day. I would've continued my life thinking my sadness was normal, and that everyone cried more than once in a while for no particular reason. These aren't the only symptoms, but I still thought they were normal.
Navigating relationships is quite hard for me. I'm an emotional person who enjoys connecting with people. At the same time, I'm afraid of making connections because I fear separation. I've had to let go of multiple relationships in my life, and now I have connection trust issues. I'm afraid of so much.
I fear falling in love because I fear heartbreak. I'm afraid of heights because I'm afraid of falling. I fear fully living, because death comes like a thief in the night. I'm afraid of commitment because broken promises are a harsh reality that so many people have to face. I'm afraid of so many things because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of pain, and heartbreak; because I'm afraid of not being able to heal from it all afterwards.
Knowing this fears, I'm still stepping out. Taking each day on as it comes. This is a battle I'm still fighting, but I'm growing stronger everyday.
Happy living, adventurous living!
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