I wish you knew

I wish you knew how it hurt.

How each word tore my heart apart.

I wish you knew how much I felt unwanted, pushed away.

Each time you put something before me.

How insignificant it made me feel.

I wish you knew how my heart cried. To have you, but not really have you.  To say you were mine but feel like you belonged to someone else. Someone I wish I knew. Someone I so desperately wanted to meet, just so they could tell me more about you. I wish you knew how much my heart bled each time you were away, out of the fear that you'd be happier if things stayed that way. I wish you knew... I wish you knew... I wish you knew...

An intentional mistake to help you understand the confusion that comes with my understanding. Of you. Of me. Of us... Who I was when I was without you. The mess I'd become. The imbalanced mess I hoped you'd fall in love with, despite the existence of so many flags telling you not to.

I wish you knew the saint you were made out to be in my head.

My lifeline, the reason I faced another day.

I wish you knew how perfect you are to me.

I wish you knew how my heart would break itself only to heal itself for you.

It's all for you; I love that.

It's all for you; I hate that.

The organised confusion, like an all too prefect paradox, juxtaposed with the perfection of imagination.

Then came the mental block, boxed up in limitation. To make me believe that I had to fight to experience what was free.

Paying for what I knew I deserved to have regardless.

You prayed for my sanity instead of understanding my madness.

So it only felt right to give up my freedom for who I thought I wanted to be.

Because you made me believe...

You made me believe that only you knew who I was; who I should be.

I  felt the need to hold on so I could understand myself.

My lack of self knowledge made it hard to acknowledge that maybe I was with you for the wrong reasons; this made it all so much harder to let go.

I felt stuck in a mud pit that I knew wasn't set out for me.

With dirt all over me.

Each time I tried to get out, my insecurities would suck me right in, reminding me why I shouldn't let go.