It's crazy to think about how small changes can have such a big impact on someone.
Here's a simple example: I only spent the first six years of my life living with my mother. Seemingly a very small change; moving to a new country. I mean, I'd still get to see her occasionally, right?
That was probably the logic they used when they made that decision, because they wanted what's best. I get that, don't get me wrong. There hasn't been much of an impact for most of my life, until now.
With growth comes prospects of the future, where you start imagining yourself in certain positions.
I always tell people that I don't want children, and I always have to defend my choice. Today got me wondering. I was sitting in church, watching a woman play with her three children. It all seemed so natural; like it was second nature to her. I on the other hand, I have a mini anxiety attack each time I have to talk to my younger siblings over the phone.
I've always wondered why I struggled connecting with children. Today I learnt that it's probably because when I was younger, no one connected with me. I grew up knowing that I had no one, except my dad and my brother, and they're still my favorite people to talk to; even though we don't connect as much.
I worry about this because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the possibility of bringing a child in the world that I have no capacity to love. I don't want to break them just because I'm broken.
On the other hand, I wonder if I'm afraid of unconditional love. The prospect of someone loving me, even on days when I don't love myself. Imagine that...
So there's this constant war I fight in my head. On the one hand, I crave love and affection. On the other, I fear rejection, so I push at all potential forms of it, including love itself. Trying to strike a balance between these two is enough to drive anyone crazy. Maybe that's why some days feel out of reach.
I guess some days we have to take a step back, and ask ourselves difficult questions. If not for anything, then just to get to know ourselves.
Find yourself, and learn to love yourself.
Happy living, adventurous living!
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